It’s coming

The weekend is coming! Sir and I have designated this as our first High Protocol weekend 😊 I’ve been wanting a little extra “boost” for our dynamic, and I think this will be it. I’m very excited!

Sir has given me extra rules and protocols, starting when we get out of bed Saturday and ending Sunday before we leave for a family dinner. It’s not totally strict and rigid and formal, but it’s more intense than our regular day-to-day. I’m nervous about forgetting a rule.

The most exciting part of this is that Sir admits to doing some independent research. Usually he doesn’t search information out, but will read anything I send him. For this he actually went out of his way to get information. He says he didn’t find a lot of what he was looking for though… But still! He looked

Hope everyone else has a good weekend! 😊

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Bruised and Sore

This weekend left me sore and bruised, but also very happy.

It’s not what you think though. It has nothing to do with playtime with Sir, unfortunately. I got injured while I was out on the lake with my sisters Saturday during the day. It’s nothing serious, just some hard impact with the water. Not the impact play I had in mind for the day…I had a bruise covering my entire left leg and a much smaller bruise on my right. I was also very sore and I couldn’t walk very well.

Sir had to make some last minute changes in his plans for our play. Spanking was out, because the bruising went all the up into my bottom. I couldn’t have handled any more impact there. Restraining my legs to the bed was out of the question as well.

Our play was very short, but very sweet. It started with some clothespins and slaps on my breasts. Sir is getting really nimble with the clothespins…. I think every time he pulls them out it hurts more. But it hurts so good!! (Please keep using them Sir J)

The in between details are a little fuzzy, I remember more clamps in more lower areas, a cock deep in my throat, more play with my breasts, the vibrator made an appearance or two, and I was edged. The night ended with me blindfolded and my arms restrained to the bed, and him taking me from above. I orgasmed once, then again and again and again, to the point I couldn’t tell if I was having multiple orgasms, or just one loooong one. When Sir finally came I was completely exhausted. It look a long time for both my breathing and pussy spasms to slow.

I’m actually pretty disappointed in the situation. I was really looking forward to our playtime. We already had to reschedule it once. It was going to be the perfect end to a long week and a busy day. The play and the sex were really good, just not what either of us were expecting.

In other ways, it was a win. Sir did a lot more boob play than usual, and went further than ever before in terms of pain. I can handle a lot more, but it’s hard for him to “hurt” me. No sadists here! I’ve also never had an orgasm like that before. It went on forever. It (almost) hurt because it was too much feeling. It’s been amazing learning what my body can do lately.

Excited

Tonight we play! I’m so excited 😊 The only Hint Sir will give me about tonight is that we’ll be playing with the new, shorter ropes we recently got. Yay for ropeplay!

I have a whole lot of day to get through to get tonight… A family reunion, water activities with my sisters, grocery shopping, Saturday chores. All enjoyable things, but none as fun or sexy as playtime! I hope the day goes fast, and that I still have at least a little energy by the end of the day.

I’m really curious what our play include, since the only thing I know about is the new ropes. I do like surprises 😊

Reflections on goals

Sir and I have had our ups and downs with our Domination and Submission. I’ve been thinking and reflecting a lot on why things starting burning up in our first go-round.

One reason we struggled was goals. I am a HUGE goal setter. I have short term, long term, and bucket list goals. All divided into neat categories on a lovely little spreadsheet on my computer. I have check-ins with myself periodically to update and refocus.

And while I’m great at setting goals, I’m not-so-great at reaching them. I try my best, but I get distracted pretty easily. Sir wants me to reach my goals too. It wasn’t my main intent, but D/s became (in my mind) a way to have Sir make me reach my goals. I assumed Sir’s goals for me completely aligned with my own.

They didn’t.

I would get frustrated at Sir for not helping me achieve my goals. Forcing me to achieve them.

I’ve realized that submission is me achieving the goals Sir sets for me, not the goals I set for myself. Sir’s goals for me are different from my goals for myself.

There’s two sides here. A good dominant will help a submissive achieve their goals. But a good submissive should be strong. Able to work on goals without the push or threat of punishment. Want to achieve goals for personal satisfaction. In our case I was relying on Sir too much and didn’t want to hold myself accountable for personal growth. I wanted him to force me to meet my goals. Sir did not like the position I put him into.

Within D/s, I do struggle because I do not know what Sir’s goals are for me. We have a few goals together as a couple (such as meeting financial milestones), but none related to our dynamic. I’m talking about what he wants for me, the type of submissive he wants to to mold me to become. Right now I would say that his goal is more finding his own personal dominance style. It involves growth on his part.

I want to find growth as a submissive as well. Lately I haven’t been as focused on active submission. I think being more active would help me grow.

But then, maybe I should throw all “goals” out the window, and just enjoy what we have.

A short post

I’ve been wanting to get back to blogging for awhile now, but I don’t have much to say. Real life has taken up a lot of time lately. It’s been a crazy summer. I’ve been running and going from here to there so fast I’m getting dizzy. And tired.

I’m hoping things will start to slow down a little bit.

We just started a new rule of kneeling in the morning this month. It’s a precious moment of stillness before the crazy day starts. It’s a good rule, but we don’t do it every morning like we’d like…. That alarm goes off and we both have awful morning brain fog and forget!

When I do remember, I feel more submissive throughout the day. I feel encouraged to get things done and create a nice place for Sir to come home. And when I’m working, it makes the workday just a *little* bit easier.

Brief update

The last couple of weeks(months) have been hard. Really really hard.

Sir and I broke off our full time D/s in favor of just bedroom only. We swore we wouldn’t lose the better communication, closeness, and other habits we’d developed.

We did.

We lost everything. We stopped our weekly talks. We tried to stay close, but it just wasn’t the same. Needs weren’t being met. I had many days of just crying. I felt so down. I wanted to forget everything D/s. If I couldn’t have everything, I didn’t want any of it. I kept wanting to try, but I didn’t have motivation. A big part of me was missing.

Sir says he would return to a 24/7 D/s relationship. But it has to be on his terms. I would like that…..except I don’t know what his terms means. I worry that his terms means ‘when it’s convenient for me’ and ‘I’ll give you enough to be just unsatisfied, but enough to say I’m doing something.’

I want to relax and trust him, let him guide and dominate me again. I miss the happiness I had. I miss the sense of security I got from submitting to him.

I am scared, mostly of the unknown. What will happen?

We have eased back in slowly, it’s been a ‘go with the flow’ feel. I feel the flow a lot more than he does though. We are talking tonight, revisiting old rules and discussing needs.

I crave submission. I want to say I’m excited to talk tonight. In reality I’m so nervous I could puke. I get that way a lot, its probably not healthy to feel like puking all the time.

I just don’t want to get hurt again.

Enough for Today

I’m still here.

That’s about all I have to say.

I’ve done lots of paper journaling lately, and Sir and I have been having lots of talks. It’s left me too emotionally exhausted for anything else, aka. blogging.

I’ve learned a lot. But that’s a post for another day.

I hurt a lot. That’s also a post for another day.

I’m still here, that’s enough for today.

 

Happy cycle

Sir and I have a little cycle going on. It’s been going on since we got married, but it’s only in the last little bit I’ve actually noticed it and thought about it.

I call it the happiness cycle. It works like this: the only thing I want is for Sir to be happy. The only thing Sir wants is for me to be happy. So when the time comes to make a decision, it’s a back and forth battle of “You pick, I don’t care.” One wants the other to make the choice that will make the other happiest. Eventually a decision is made. And then somehow in that blissful cycle a disagreement may start.

How does a disagreement start over a thing like that? I don’t even know! 😊 Seriously. I’ve been thinking about it for a few days and I’m still wondering how it happens.

As a submissive, I want Sir to be happy. I want to do whatever he wants to do, because it makes me feel happy and fulfilled to see him happy. I like to rub his feet at night, and I know how happy he’ll be if we head out for a weekend of fishing, even if it’s not necessary what I want to do.

Sir feels the same. One of the driving forces of his Dominance is keeping me happy. He is always willing to do anything to keep me smiling. I can ask for the moon and he would get it for me 😊

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last week, and I’ve thought of about our little cycle. Both of us want to give happiness, but neither of us want to ask for anything. Sir has a hard time being an “asshole Dom” and asking for anything selfishly (selfish in his opinion). Feeling like I wanted him to be an “asshole Dom” was one factor that caused us to back up the D/s to the bedroom. I didn’t want an asshole, but I do need him to voice his needs, in his own way.

For me, serving him fulfills me as a submissive and let’s me know he is happy. When he doesn’t ask for things it makes me unhappy because I feel like he doesn’t need me. It makes me happy to hear him say “Good Girl” or “thank you bluebird”, it makes me happy.

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It just slips in

Last week Sir and I decided to move our D/s to the bedroom only….then we immediately went on vacation with Sir’s family for the rest of the week. Where we had zero sex and zero alone time for the entire week. Seriously. I knew we wouldn’t get any sex (staying in a camper with everyone else will do that), but I thought we’d at least get a few minutes of alone time here and there…. Didn’t happen.

The mixture of no time together and confused feelings is not a good one. Yesterday was a long drive home, and finally alone time. It was very emotional. I got to understand Sir better, but I have a lot of questions too. I think he does too. I also now see myself a little better.

We had sex last night, and I wasn’t sure what ‘mindspace’ I needed to be in. Loving and connective sex is different from steamy dominating sex. This was technically the bedroom, but I know Sir was tired from the trip and driving all day. I had to ask, “Are you (Sir’s real name) or Sir?” He told me he wasn’t Sir tonight, he was just (Sir’s real name), my husband.

I still slipped a few times and called him Sir. And I’m pretty sure I heard the start of a few “bluebirds” as well. Old habits. Continued habits? It’s not like we’re giving it up altogether, right? It just felt so right in the moment.

When we were done Sir asked me to snuggle with him for a few minutes. He held me tight in his arms and said “You’ll always be my bluebird.” It was probably the best thing I heard all day.

We’re working on working out what we want to be, who we want to be. I know Sir loves me, and I love him. I want our relationship to make us both feel loved and be happy, and right now that’s the most important thing. We’ll just take it slow, one thing at a time.

Things Change

After a lot of deep thoughts and talks, Sir and I made the hard decision to no longer have a 24/7 D/s relationship.

We love how close we have become, and how connected we have been with each other. Our relationship has grown so much in the last year. I have a new appreciation and respect for Sir. I feel so loved and cared for. I am truly happy with my life and love our dynamic. I love Sir more than ever. We communicate better, we understand each other better.

But.

That but.

But it has been hard to be 24/7. But Sir struggled to be constantly dominant, and felt burnt out. But I struggled to be constantly submissive and sometimes got mean and lazy. But it was causing unneeded stress. But it took a lot of time and we’re already busy. But it just wasn’t what either of thought it would end up being. But it is hard to be consistent and regular.

We are not giving up D/s altogether. For now though, it’s just going to be in the bedroom only.

Giving up 24/7 was a very hard decision to make. It feels like giving up. We had talked and tweaked and modified our dynamic many times, trying to make it work. We both wanted so badly to make it work. We were holding on for so long because we didn’t want to give up. We didn’t want to fail at D/s! I know we aren’t failing. We are just doing what is going to be the best thing for us. I hope that someday we can return to 24/7. Maybe someday we can.

Every morning Sir has written me a task on our wipeboard. Yesterday I got home from work and nothing was written. I cried when I saw the empty space. Cried and cried. It felt like something had been ripped from me and there was a huge bloody hole hanging from me. It hurt me physically. I didn’t realize how much I relied on that little bit of direction from him. It always made me happy to see a task, because it meant Sir was thinking about me.

And for now, I’m just trying to navigate what “bedroom only” means…