What happened this week

Sir tells me to bend over the bed. I comply, pressing my chest to the mattress and my feet to the floor.

“Are you ready?” Sir asks.

“Yes Sir” I answer.

He raises his hand…… and proceeds to karate chop my upper back and break up all the mucus that keeps accumulating there. I can finally cough it up and get some sleep.

Cold and flu season is officially here 😦

Thanks for taking care of me Sir 💙

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Math Equations

1 UTI (first one I’ve ever had)

Plus

1 mental day (I called off work because I was overwhelmed)

Plus

1 trillion family commitments

Plus

1 huge and expensive certification test for work (and if I failed I had to repay my workplace, then pay out of pocket to take the test again)

Plus

2 vacations (one taken and one planned)

Plus

1 UTI returning 3 weeks later (apparently I have a resistant bug)

EQUALS

1 burnt out bluebird

I’m doing okay-ish.

Sir and I are headed out on the second vacation later this week. I was hoping it would be an Awsome Sex-Fest trip, but that will not be the case. I have some kind of urinary infection going on, that possibly (most likely) has made it’s way up to my kidneys 😕 I’m hoping the antibiotics start kicking in and get me feeling better fast. We also have to use condoms for awhile, because the antibiotic makes my birth control less effective. I’m a little disappointed.

Sir has been amazing though, I wouldn’t have made it through without him!

Hopefully the next little while will be calmer.

It’s coming

The weekend is coming! Sir and I have designated this as our first High Protocol weekend 😊 I’ve been wanting a little extra “boost” for our dynamic, and I think this will be it. I’m very excited!

Sir has given me extra rules and protocols, starting when we get out of bed Saturday and ending Sunday before we leave for a family dinner. It’s not totally strict and rigid and formal, but it’s more intense than our regular day-to-day. I’m nervous about forgetting a rule.

The most exciting part of this is that Sir admits to doing some independent research. Usually he doesn’t search information out, but will read anything I send him. For this he actually went out of his way to get information. He says he didn’t find a lot of what he was looking for though… But still! He looked

Hope everyone else has a good weekend! 😊

Bruised and Sore

This weekend left me sore and bruised, but also very happy.

It’s not what you think though. It has nothing to do with playtime with Sir, unfortunately. I got injured while I was out on the lake with my sisters Saturday during the day. It’s nothing serious, just some hard impact with the water. Not the impact play I had in mind for the day…I had a bruise covering my entire left leg and a much smaller bruise on my right. I was also very sore and I couldn’t walk very well.

Sir had to make some last minute changes in his plans for our play. Spanking was out, because the bruising went all the up into my bottom. I couldn’t have handled any more impact there. Restraining my legs to the bed was out of the question as well.

Our play was very short, but very sweet. It started with some clothespins and slaps on my breasts. Sir is getting really nimble with the clothespins…. I think every time he pulls them out it hurts more. But it hurts so good!! (Please keep using them Sir J)

The in between details are a little fuzzy, I remember more clamps in more lower areas, a cock deep in my throat, more play with my breasts, the vibrator made an appearance or two, and I was edged. The night ended with me blindfolded and my arms restrained to the bed, and him taking me from above. I orgasmed once, then again and again and again, to the point I couldn’t tell if I was having multiple orgasms, or just one loooong one. When Sir finally came I was completely exhausted. It look a long time for both my breathing and pussy spasms to slow.

I’m actually pretty disappointed in the situation. I was really looking forward to our playtime. We already had to reschedule it once. It was going to be the perfect end to a long week and a busy day. The play and the sex were really good, just not what either of us were expecting.

In other ways, it was a win. Sir did a lot more boob play than usual, and went further than ever before in terms of pain. I can handle a lot more, but it’s hard for him to “hurt” me. No sadists here! I’ve also never had an orgasm like that before. It went on forever. It (almost) hurt because it was too much feeling. It’s been amazing learning what my body can do lately.

Excited

Tonight we play! I’m so excited 😊 The only Hint Sir will give me about tonight is that we’ll be playing with the new, shorter ropes we recently got. Yay for ropeplay!

I have a whole lot of day to get through to get tonight… A family reunion, water activities with my sisters, grocery shopping, Saturday chores. All enjoyable things, but none as fun or sexy as playtime! I hope the day goes fast, and that I still have at least a little energy by the end of the day.

I’m really curious what our play include, since the only thing I know about is the new ropes. I do like surprises 😊

Reflections on goals

Sir and I have had our ups and downs with our Domination and Submission. I’ve been thinking and reflecting a lot on why things starting burning up in our first go-round.

One reason we struggled was goals. I am a HUGE goal setter. I have short term, long term, and bucket list goals. All divided into neat categories on a lovely little spreadsheet on my computer. I have check-ins with myself periodically to update and refocus.

And while I’m great at setting goals, I’m not-so-great at reaching them. I try my best, but I get distracted pretty easily. Sir wants me to reach my goals too. It wasn’t my main intent, but D/s became (in my mind) a way to have Sir make me reach my goals. I assumed Sir’s goals for me completely aligned with my own.

They didn’t.

I would get frustrated at Sir for not helping me achieve my goals. Forcing me to achieve them.

I’ve realized that submission is me achieving the goals Sir sets for me, not the goals I set for myself. Sir’s goals for me are different from my goals for myself.

There’s two sides here. A good dominant will help a submissive achieve their goals. But a good submissive should be strong. Able to work on goals without the push or threat of punishment. Want to achieve goals for personal satisfaction. In our case I was relying on Sir too much and didn’t want to hold myself accountable for personal growth. I wanted him to force me to meet my goals. Sir did not like the position I put him into.

Within D/s, I do struggle because I do not know what Sir’s goals are for me. We have a few goals together as a couple (such as meeting financial milestones), but none related to our dynamic. I’m talking about what he wants for me, the type of submissive he wants to to mold me to become. Right now I would say that his goal is more finding his own personal dominance style. It involves growth on his part.

I want to find growth as a submissive as well. Lately I haven’t been as focused on active submission. I think being more active would help me grow.

But then, maybe I should throw all “goals” out the window, and just enjoy what we have.

A short post

I’ve been wanting to get back to blogging for awhile now, but I don’t have much to say. Real life has taken up a lot of time lately. It’s been a crazy summer. I’ve been running and going from here to there so fast I’m getting dizzy. And tired.

I’m hoping things will start to slow down a little bit.

We just started a new rule of kneeling in the morning this month. It’s a precious moment of stillness before the crazy day starts. It’s a good rule, but we don’t do it every morning like we’d like…. That alarm goes off and we both have awful morning brain fog and forget!

When I do remember, I feel more submissive throughout the day. I feel encouraged to get things done and create a nice place for Sir to come home. And when I’m working, it makes the workday just a *little* bit easier.

Brief update

The last couple of weeks(months) have been hard. Really really hard.

Sir and I broke off our full time D/s in favor of just bedroom only. We swore we wouldn’t lose the better communication, closeness, and other habits we’d developed.

We did.

We lost everything. We stopped our weekly talks. We tried to stay close, but it just wasn’t the same. Needs weren’t being met. I had many days of just crying. I felt so down. I wanted to forget everything D/s. If I couldn’t have everything, I didn’t want any of it. I kept wanting to try, but I didn’t have motivation. A big part of me was missing.

Sir says he would return to a 24/7 D/s relationship. But it has to be on his terms. I would like that…..except I don’t know what his terms means. I worry that his terms means ‘when it’s convenient for me’ and ‘I’ll give you enough to be just unsatisfied, but enough to say I’m doing something.’

I want to relax and trust him, let him guide and dominate me again. I miss the happiness I had. I miss the sense of security I got from submitting to him.

I am scared, mostly of the unknown. What will happen?

We have eased back in slowly, it’s been a ‘go with the flow’ feel. I feel the flow a lot more than he does though. We are talking tonight, revisiting old rules and discussing needs.

I crave submission. I want to say I’m excited to talk tonight. In reality I’m so nervous I could puke. I get that way a lot, its probably not healthy to feel like puking all the time.

I just don’t want to get hurt again.

Enough for Today

I’m still here.

That’s about all I have to say.

I’ve done lots of paper journaling lately, and Sir and I have been having lots of talks. It’s left me too emotionally exhausted for anything else, aka. blogging.

I’ve learned a lot. But that’s a post for another day.

I hurt a lot. That’s also a post for another day.

I’m still here, that’s enough for today.

 

Happy cycle

Sir and I have a little cycle going on. It’s been going on since we got married, but it’s only in the last little bit I’ve actually noticed it and thought about it.

I call it the happiness cycle. It works like this: the only thing I want is for Sir to be happy. The only thing Sir wants is for me to be happy. So when the time comes to make a decision, it’s a back and forth battle of “You pick, I don’t care.” One wants the other to make the choice that will make the other happiest. Eventually a decision is made. And then somehow in that blissful cycle a disagreement may start.

How does a disagreement start over a thing like that? I don’t even know! 😊 Seriously. I’ve been thinking about it for a few days and I’m still wondering how it happens.

As a submissive, I want Sir to be happy. I want to do whatever he wants to do, because it makes me feel happy and fulfilled to see him happy. I like to rub his feet at night, and I know how happy he’ll be if we head out for a weekend of fishing, even if it’s not necessary what I want to do.

Sir feels the same. One of the driving forces of his Dominance is keeping me happy. He is always willing to do anything to keep me smiling. I can ask for the moon and he would get it for me 😊

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last week, and I’ve thought of about our little cycle. Both of us want to give happiness, but neither of us want to ask for anything. Sir has a hard time being an “asshole Dom” and asking for anything selfishly (selfish in his opinion). Feeling like I wanted him to be an “asshole Dom” was one factor that caused us to back up the D/s to the bedroom. I didn’t want an asshole, but I do need him to voice his needs, in his own way.

For me, serving him fulfills me as a submissive and let’s me know he is happy. When he doesn’t ask for things it makes me unhappy because I feel like he doesn’t need me. It makes me happy to hear him say “Good Girl” or “thank you bluebird”, it makes me happy.

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